THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
- - - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
- - -"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
- - - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
- - - "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
- - -"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
- - - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
- - - "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
- - - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
- - - "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
- - - "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
- - - "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
- - - "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
- - - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
- - - "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
- - - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
- - - "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
- - - "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
- - - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
- - - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
- - - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
- - - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
- - - "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
- - - "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
- - - "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
- - - "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
you!"

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and    one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a dumbo.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between mums and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for lollies. Sometimes mums don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mum?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mum in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mum perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.