STUFF  -   Those Getting Married Should Know......

Many and varied are the suggested causes of the irretrievable breakdown of marriages of today. It is felt that an extensive "gallop" poll would uncover a previously undetected source of disharmony in many homes....... The HORSE.

As a preventative measure, an intending horsewife should ensure that her fiancé studies and signs the following contract as a prerequisite of matrimony.

I .................... being of sound mind and body, agree to:

1. Provide suitable locality for horse(s), disregarding personal inconvenience.

2. Supply finance from an inexhaustible source i.e..bankcard, personal loans etc

3. Bypass a small economical car in favour of a V8 or 4WD or other conveyance suitable for towing floats

4. Be fed only after horses have been fed and then only when cooking utensils are not being used for measuring food, boiling barley or linseed etc. and not to expect crumbed cutlets or Vienna schnitzel (leftover bread to be exclusively used for horse treats)

5. Turn a blind eye to clothes and bed sheets covered in hair (a result of saddlecloths in the washing machine)

6. Accept mowing the lawn while the horse demolishes the garden

7. Off season pregnancies only

8. Allow the toolbox to be used for grooming and the shed to be used for feed

9. Pay vet bills before doctor's bills

10. Condone VIP treatment to farriers and feed merchants, while "the boss" is unwelcome

11. Allow the permanent loan by spouse of the following items:  family car, boot polish.  Vaseline,  towels, aeroguard,  garden hose,  all ropes,  all bandages,  paintbrushes (for hoof oil),  cleaning rags,  beach umbrella,  folding chairs,  esky,  clothes brush,  best tie................

12. Miss the news on TV in favour of Black Beauty

13. Enormous telephone bills

14. Suffer in silence all horsey talk and horsey friends and meetings both home and away

15. Ignore chaff in the bed

16. Be capable of rugging and feeding up in spouse's absence

17. Tolerate a gear strewn loungeroom the night before shows

18. Carry out all orders on show mornings willingly and without suggestions, particularly during loading of horse(s)

19. At shows
a) cart water and erect escape proof yards from limited resources
b) be lumbered with children of the non-riding variety
c) finance sideshow expeditions
d) accompany toilet visits, both real and imaginary
e) make cups of tea
f) criticize the judge
g) stay sober

20. Realise that despite above sacrifices and subservience, equine may vehemently display his lack of affection without reprimand.