Extracts from the Australian Etiquette Handbook..............

 

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify  people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT:
1. When  decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to  bruise the wine
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the  table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

 

PERSONAL  HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done  in private, using one's OWN Ute  keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant  isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few  days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on  the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:

   "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.

    Some will say 10:00 PM, others  might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,

    it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to  characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the  groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Although uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and  the Roo's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the  largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road  with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

OR STR AL IA

 

 

These questions about Australia were supposedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website

 Obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

 1.   Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) 
      A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 
 
 2.   Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 
      A: Depends how much you've been drinking
 
 3.   Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad  tracks? (Sweden)
     A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
 
 4.   Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) 
      A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
 
 5.   Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) 
      A: Let's not touch this one.
 
 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,

         Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) 
     A: What did your last slave die of?
 
 7.   Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia? (USA) 
      A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent South of Europe....

         Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it.

         Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked........
 
 8.   Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) 
      A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
 
 9.   Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) 
      A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
 
 10.  Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) 
       A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which  is...oh forget it.

          Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

          Come naked.
 
 11.  Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?  (France) 
       A: No, WE don't stink.
 
 12.  Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia  (USA) 
       A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 
 13.  Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) 
       A: You are a British politician, right?
 
 14.  Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?  (Italy) 
      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
 
 15.  Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) 
       A: Only at Christmas.
 
 16.  Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) 
       A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
 
 17.  Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.

           It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
       A: It's called a Drop Bear.

           They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

           You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
 
 18.  Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.

           Can you help? (USA) 
       A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
 
 19.  Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
       A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
 20.  Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) 
       A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

           All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
 
 21.  Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) 
       A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers.  Milk is illegal.