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TRUTHS
1. Give a person a fish and
you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like
Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same
way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to
feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a
real family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since
everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
7. According to a recent
survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I
start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a
lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a
slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took
acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to
be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which
states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless
match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these
terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: You're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. 
NEW TWISTS TO OLD MEANINGS ........
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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